i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
