i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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