My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
