i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
