Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My penis needs a shock collar
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
