Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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