I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I think my moral compass just broke
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
