u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
