It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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