Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i came on her dog
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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