We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
