i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
