Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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