she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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