I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I have aggressive nipples.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize