Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
