I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
