do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
