Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
