well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
