I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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