i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
