im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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