he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
