I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
