my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
