I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
