??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
