i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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