Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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