Princesses don't give blow jobs
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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