3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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