how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
