I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize