He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
