chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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