Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
