chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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