I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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