Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
