on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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