got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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