Where are you?
In a non slutty way
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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