I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
