Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
