i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
