her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
