the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
