My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
