I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
