I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
