There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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