apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
