Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
