I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
