just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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