I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
