and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
