Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm at about main and main street
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Randomize
